Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
