I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
