Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Randomize