The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
