The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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