Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
