so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
