that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Randomize
