Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
