saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize