remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Dicks are not precious.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
