The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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