I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
The best revenge is premature balding
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Everything about him screamed your future.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize