I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
