who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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