I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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