My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
