dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
