Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
