2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
