my phone needs a breathalizer
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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