Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
