Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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