Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize