I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
