my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
