The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Randomize
