I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
