I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
