wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
