They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
