i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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