I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Randomize
