yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
it was like having sex with a tree stump
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
