Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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