the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
