Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
