On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
