i already hear my dad disowning me
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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