Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
