All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
