Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
