i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
