I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
They have beer where we have blood.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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