Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize