I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
