i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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