shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
