it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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