My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
