Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize