There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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