I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
