If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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