Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
