Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Randomize