it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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