What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
