the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
