she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
You ate ashes out of my bong
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
