P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
